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its that coherency thing

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This world will never be what I expected. [Apr. 6th, 2015|07:21 pm]
its that coherency thing
[Driving music |Hozier, take me to church]

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adrift [Aug. 27th, 2011|12:38 am]
its that coherency thing
I think I will meditate tomorrow regardless of anyone's fucking opinion on it. I need to not care what you think. I think I have prevented or stopped myself from growing and moving forward because I am afraid it doesnt add up to someones opinion of my or expectation of me. I think psychology isnt my path anymore. I'm not sure of anything anymore. Heres to letting go of pre made plans, heres to following my dreams whatever they are.

I dont think I am surrounded by shit to distract me i distract myself hell even writing this I am watching a movie too i need to shut the fuck and just think for a while actually connect to whatever it is that I want whatever it is that is the next step for me fuck i just have no idea and im too afraid of making a mistake i dont get married for this reason i dont take any fucking risks every job that looks excellent i find some reason i cant do it some reason i am not good enough i think so little of myself that i just cant take that step i am adrift in a sea of possibilities i am lost in the possible and the terror of taking that first steps that takes me forever from the path that I need to be on to make my life acceptable to myself the race is long and in the end it is only against yourself what the fuck is important to me i mean christ is the important direction i should take no opportunity is wasted please of course it is i could end of somewhere i never wanted to be or fucking 80 regretting everything i have never had an orgasm with men or women because i think so fucking little of myself i think im too ugly to orgasm sex is for beautiful people not me oh god i feel so disconnected to my life so very mindless mindless just bobbing along in an ocean with no path or direction praying that i wake up on some shore somewhere.please god let me wake up somewhere.
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(no subject) [Aug. 5th, 2011|03:37 am]
its that coherency thing
I am getting on to my life.
Right the fuck now.
I have weighed myself and found it lacking.
I've got no excuse-I gave my god away
It's the wrong time to be thinking of you, It's the wrong time for somebody new. Leave me out with the waste

Here are the options:
Ph.D Clinical Psych
PsyD Clinical Psych
Volunteering in a lab
Working in a lab
Finding someone to train me in histology
Insurance claims adjustment
Being a statistician for the gov
Being a psych tech
The same old shit I was doing before
Something completely different --like sales (shudder)

I want to do something I think is important -I don't want my name in lights, I don't want to cure cancer - I just want to wake up and think I am doing something that matters, something I can be proud of doing, something that adds to my community, country, world.

(no subject) [Nov. 14th, 2010|01:27 am]
its that coherency thing
[Where the fuck am I |Home]
[Moody Bitch |groggygroggy]
[Driving music |Moldy Peaches]

I write so very sporadically and with no audience. I find that freeing. Those around me, my family and friends tend to be judgmental - in some ways it is true that we befriend ourselves over and over. Maybe I have so many issues because I've never learned to like myself much.

I have been existing in Limbo for 4 months now. Doing little to nothing to change my situation. We are still fine money-wise but I feel so very adrift. Do I want permanency of anything? Is the reason I can't pick a career just a surety that no matter what choice I make it will be the wrong one? Or that after committing to a choice I will discover that no amount of effort on my part will bring this goal into reach? And that every other door will slam shut.

My therapist asked me to remember a comment I made at the very end of a session about feeling like I would fail. I failed to bring it up at any of the later sessions.

Why can't I decided on something. Even if I hate the job I can always quit. If the grad school I want never materializes I can always do something else. This decision is not a life or death choice. It is not! But it feels like I will die when the button is pressed. Of course I feel a tiny bit numb every day that goes by that the decision is not made. Ah of course my choices are to die by inches or miles. What a choice.

I need to just lower the pressure on myself. Try and fail, try and succeed, but bloody try already!

Would failure really be so bad anyway? If I go for it and fail at least there will be no "what if I had tried" to haunt my every future step. Although I fear the haunting of the choices not chosen, the roads not traveled. But is that really going to happen? I wonder occasionally about Brown and whether the experience would have been better. But I know that Smith was freeing and gave me a partner that I stare at with a smile plastered to my face. Even sleeping, all squished, there is no one more beautiful. No one I would rather be with. We shore each other up and give ourselves over to the towering heights.

Speaking of heights, I just found out that my dad is afraid of heights too. Guess that explains where the fear is from.

But back to the point. Will I look back and regret? I don't know. But I fear it. Maybe I should take a few graduate classes as continuing ed rather than as an applicant. See if I'm ready to go back.

God I better be ready. For chrissakes it's been three years in Jan! it's now or get a damn career.

not closing [Jul. 13th, 2010|12:12 pm]
its that coherency thing
[Moody Bitch |awakeawake]

So my work didn't close as planned. Instead it was bought out by a different company - So I'm thinking awesome, I still get laid off and qualify for unemployment. But surprise in a deal worked out by the old and new companies, the new one will pay everyone the exact same salary. This means that the small caveat in the unemployment requirements is employed and I do not qualify anymore. WTF! I'm still moving but without the safety net of unemployment. BOO.

V and I are down to crunch time. The only furniture left in the apartment is 2 bar stools, 2 dressers, and a bathroom cabinet...yeah sleeping on a blow-up mattress ..oh but I'm going out to lunch piece.

closing the program [Apr. 8th, 2010|04:13 pm]
its that coherency thing
[Moody Bitch |discontentdiscontent]
[Driving music |Let it Be - The Beatles]

So. My work is officially closing and we are all being laid off. So no more job as of June 30. So moving in July is probable.
My therapist would like to know if I want to move to California. I would also like to know.

I think I should do something that scares me. I mean really scares the shit out of me. Not death defying or whatever. I am terrified of failing - i.e. being too stupid to get into graduate school. I am terrified to be somewhere with no support system. I am terrified of being out of control.

I guess moving in with a family that speaks limited English, in their home, across the country, and applying for graduate school, with no job prospects - it certainly qualifies.

Do you know what scares me more than all that? Waking up and finding that I have lived a life without ever living. More than 2 years have gone by since I graduated and I have done NOTHING. Literally nothing. I have been stagnant - waiting for the next stage of my life to reach up and grab me. I feel like my mind is rotting in my skull.

here comes the shake up.
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Kitchen Aid mixed up thoughts [Mar. 12th, 2010|12:53 pm]
its that coherency thing
[Tags|, , , ]
[Where the fuck am I |United States, Massachusetts, Braintree]
[Moody Bitch |curiouscurious]
[Driving music |System of a Down "Question!"]

I guess maybe the amazing amount of stress could explain the nice little blow up yesterday but I'm guessing it was just PMS irrationality. Or perhaps that is ignoring the obvious. :Shrug:
Oh well, couples should fight. Otherwise it would simply suggest we can't handle conflict and instead bottle it up. While that might describe V it certainly doesn't characterize me. Weirdly thou, we always end up fighting about nothing. Not money, moving, our families, friends, what we do any given day, chores, careers.. literally nothing big. Are we avoiding them or do we perfectly agree? Something to think about. We don't avoid the topics though. We've been talking about money and moving non-stop for the last few weeks but we never seem to fight about it.

We'd suck as that sickly sweet couple everyone secretly hates if we fought. Maybe that's the real reason. However, I do foresee fighting when I'm stressing trying to understand Spanish all the time. Oh Rosetta Stone, you are fast but are you fast enough? Well I can say newspaper and apparently a word for drinking that V says is never used in Latin American Spanish. Awesome. I'm going to be the uber proper speaker that everyone knows isn't a native. You know if my white ass skin doesn't rat me out first. The guy at this little taco joint in Somerville was incredulous when I ordered tacos de lengua...He was like okay white girl, you do not want tongue tacos. And I was like yeah I so do. We went back and forth which was awesome...and then we found out we had NO Cash and the silly white girl had to go find an ATM. Long story short I got my tacos and they were excellent - although never as good as the Cuban ones in Florida. Oh how I miss you taco stand in the parking lot of a grocery store.

Well admissions do suggest that applicants see a therapist, if for nothing but getting a feel for the process. Plus you basically gotta have one if you work professionally. Personally I support that anyway. If one is going to school to become a therapist hopefully one supports the idea and believes it useful. I want to be this happy for the next five. Then maybe we'll talk adoption or fostering. Maybe it is because I don't hear my biological clock ticking or maybe because I have become quite an eco person lately but I'm not sure bringing a child into the world is for me. But then again I'm 24 and have no intention of having kids for a while anyway lol. Works for some but not me. Should I see the same therapist as someone I know? That's sorta weird. I mean I get like a PCP but a therapist, I mean really? Minds are way more personal than bodies. I'd see the same Gyno as someone with no issues but a shrink weirds me out.

Why did this radio on TV channel just play two System of a Down songs in a row? Is it fate? Sherry would suggest that surely. But I'm still not a believer. It is luck and coincidence. Nothing more. No guiding hand to the universe. Even if there was such a thing I guarantee making a random person feel nostalgia for an era long since ended would be the least of it's priorities. And a third, though not in a row.

She didn't guess. what a liar lol. Apparently ppl still read this lol. Ah well I would have liked to tell her personally and not have her find it out from someone else. But it's not like anyone knew that but V and me.

I just got a Kitchen Aid mixer as an engagement present. Psyched!... maybe I will be hiring a moving van. Now how to tell people that it's going to be a looong engagement?

I'm still trying to figure out a way to break it gently to my dad. He is gonna be furious. He'll probably act more upset about us moving than about me being gay. Strange man that he is. I have been voluntarily playing cards with my parents recently. Maybe I will miss them more than I am thinking I will. There will be visiting I'm sure.

I should sleep. Lacey's opening night is tonight and I gotta get up at like 5:00pm.. In like 4 hours. Wonderful.

Moving to California!! [Mar. 10th, 2010|10:46 am]
its that coherency thing
[Where the fuck am I |Home]
[Moody Bitch |jubilantjubilant]

Moving to California definitely now. Probably before September. We are working on selling everything we own again. I think the date we might set is August 10 or around there.

It feels like Freedom! Shedding everything old for something fresh and new. A renewal of life. A real starting point.

Veronica and I are going to stay with her folks until we have jobs locked down and then start looking for a house.

I am going to apply to UCLA and a bunch of other graduate studies programs in Clinical or Counseling Psychology. Or Med school. I do love to have my options open. I will be narrowing this down over the next few months. In addition to working on the staggering application process. Job hunting from 3,000 miles away. Selling everything I own. Deciding if I should keep some things and ship/transport them across country. Pricing everything. Telling everyone. And creating the travel plans! Crazy but we have 4 months. If it gets to be too much then we'll do things differently or slightly later. We are gone by October at the latest!

When we have our own place ppl will be able to visit though I doubt anyone will make the trip and that's fine. I feel like I have been trapped by the dealings of this town but no more. I am kind of sad because I finally have a working relationship with my parents and Katherine. But I'll talk to them on the phone and internet I'm sure. And maybe my sister can come visit me.

I feel like if I don't try this now then I never will. I'll be a South Shore girl forever. And that would be fine if I knew it was what I wanted. I need to try something else to know for sure.

I would like to use California as a paradise to remake myself. Get healthy, active, excited about waking up, going to work, etc. Since we have the freedom of enough money to sustain us we can take our time and find jobs that make us happy. No longer this push of being homeless in this stupid economy but being able to pick and choose what would work.

I am so excited but I gotta go to bed. I have two more days of work and then the whole weekend off! Well except Sunday night, but whatever!
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wedding madness [Feb. 5th, 2010|10:26 am]
its that coherency thing
[Moody Bitch |happyhappy]

I am getting MARRIED!
I don't think i'm going to get married in October even though I'd love for my date to be 10/13.

We were planning on August 2011. In New Hampshire. On Newfound. But that might be changing.

So 2011 is probably going to become 2012 because I realized, while budgeting our everyday finances to find where I could pull money for the wedding, that we are over shooting what we make by about 150 a month. Awesome! I gotta pull 150 back just to break even, never mind saving!

I'll post again when I'm not negative and sleep deprived.
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my isn't that a fresh start [Jun. 17th, 2009|10:44 am]
its that coherency thing
[Moody Bitch |accomplishedaccomplished]
[Driving music |Bird York - in the deep]

I am so glad that I am parsing down, cutting this dead weight from my life; Shedding it like a layer of skin that is old, degrading, and finished with its usefulness -a latex layer of suffocation. Even though I may not have been the driving force in the separation, I could not be more proud of myself. I'm not sure on my own that I would have ever seen the people and things in my life for what they really are. I am superb at self-delusion. But distance allows me the gift of clarity, a mental picture free of emotional attachments that were false remnants of the past, a past that no longer has any real connection to the present. I no longer have expectations of what is coming, but I believe I have the will to go in search of it. Everyday we begin.
I need a bottle of wine, some Chinese take-out, candles and that new start smell.

In inspection and in search of honesty- the shed is so far from finished. This is my time however, this is our time. Let's cut to the quick to find the importance in our lives.

If you want to be given everything you want - Give everything up.
Bird York

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