| my isn't that a fresh start |
[Jun. 17th, 2009|10:44 am] |
| [ | Moody Bitch |
| |  accomplished | ] |
| [ | Driving music |
| | Bird York - in the deep | ] |
I am so glad that I am parsing down, cutting this dead weight from my life; Shedding it like a layer of skin that is old, degrading, and finished with its usefulness -a latex layer of suffocation. Even though I may not have been the driving force in the separation, I could not be more proud of myself. I'm not sure on my own that I would have ever seen the people and things in my life for what they really are. I am superb at self-delusion. But distance allows me the gift of clarity, a mental picture free of emotional attachments that were false remnants of the past, a past that no longer has any real connection to the present. I no longer have expectations of what is coming, but I believe I have the will to go in search of it. Everyday we begin.
I need a bottle of wine, some Chinese take-out, candles and that new start smell.
In inspection and in search of honesty- the shed is so far from finished. This is my time however, this is our time. Let's cut to the quick to find the importance in our lives.
If you want to be given everything you want - Give everything up.
Bird York |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 21st, 2009|11:20 am] |
So I haven't posted in like 7 months.
Same job.
New car.
Moving soon. Need apartment. Closing date maybe 6/22.
Pretty boring.
Still indecisive about grad school.
But sick new car!
Need money, spent all of my savings on car, need first last security.
Eh, it'll work out. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 31st, 2008|09:47 am] |
Do I make it easy to walk in and out of my life?
I feel like I haven't posted anything in forever. Which is kinda true I guess. I haven't had much to say.
I'm too scared to apply to graduate school which means another year of waiting. This is my own fault. Although I can spend this time figuring out what I really want to do with my life. I've spent so much time feeling sure and never questioning that it was what I really wanted. I feel like I should be more driven if I really want this? Shouldn't I?
I think I'm going to ride out my time in Quincy until it is done and then move on. I'm not sure what that means anymore. I thought I did, but what did I know? I knew I wanted to be a doctor, and that I loved psychology so I gravitated to the obvious choice. But there are so many more options that I just never gave a chance to appeal to me.
I think I'm going to try and make the changes in my life that I have put off forever to get through college before I rush into graduate school.
I want to quit smoking and I got a prescription for Chantix. Now I need to pick a start date. I meant to say quit date, but I guess I'm starting the process of quitting, of getting healthier.
I want to lose weight
I want to be more active. Hell, I want to be active at all.
My goal is to be able to do a moderate hike by summer. given how badly I am in shape, I think that might be an attainable goal.
I would also like to lose some weight. They say its healthy to lose up to two pounds a week. well there is 24 weeks between now and April so I'd like to lose 50 pounds by then. I think I prolly won't be able to do that but that is my goal.
Apparently quitting smoking is aided by incorporating moderate exercise and a healthier diet, so it seems like the right time to go after them all together.
Also, my liver is functioning poorly so I'm going to try and deal with that. Ditto dermatology. Ditto hypertension but I got some meds for that. Already making me dizzy and bitchy. excellent. And the fucking doctor thinks that bitchiness isn't a know side effect. Bah. Oh and gynecology since that's screwy too.
We'll see how screwed I get when the bills start arriving.
V is seriously looking for a job now which I think will make her so much happier. Besides I'm sure she is gonna want time outside of me when I start having severe vertigo, mood swings, vivid dreams, anxiety, and irritability. Yea aren't side effects great.
We just paid 7,125 on V's loan which is good for us. I hope nothing big comes to bite us soon. A lot of our savings is gone with that. But we'll survive. Whatever comes.
I am like booked for this weekend which is crazy to me since I've done so little lately. Plans with Lacey, Kel, Britt, my family, my aunt, and work. A play, going out after, craving pumpkins, breakfast, haymarket, the north end, picking up a cake, brunch, a fancy dinner, Overtime. Craziness. Plus getting a gift for Zach and dad.
Doctors appointments too. Apparently the good dermatologists are booking 6 months out. How fucked is that? I can't get an appointment until April 2nd.
Meh, maybe I'll call and see if they have any cancellations next week.
Oh and a nutritionist since yea I prolly need that too.
Wow, this is a long post for me. I kinda miss school. there was so much going on there and so much to fill my time with. Meh. I wish that I could have all the advantages of the social parts of school again. I miss the friends I made there. But we're scattered now. I haven't talked to like any of them in months and months.
Oh and taking Zoe to court. I guess I should mention that. We'll see how it goes. I'm agreeing to mediation before actual court if she's interested but I don't know if it will work. But if we do agree on something it gets entered in as the official ruling and she would have to comply with it the same way she would if the court decided. Everyone thinks I should just cut my loses. :shrug: I don't know if I'm trying because I want the money or because I want her to say to my face that she's sorry. That she didn't mean to hurt me. Not that I think it would change anything, but I would at least be able to forgive her for making me do this. I feel like the bad guy. I always feel like the bad guy. The one who forces confrontation. Even when it has nothing to do with me. I realize that some people cope by avoiding but I just can't. It feels so unfinished to me. I would live with that though if she didn't owe me money. I'm not sure if that makes it worse some how. It seems all that is left between us is a debt. Which to me is more than financial but the court can't force her to live up to the promises and agreements of a friendship. They can't say wow, you did all that, you were there for all that, and she just fucked you over? Mad damages awarded to you. Not that I did anything with the intention of gaining anything but some one willing to be there for me. To be the same person I am to other people. :shrug: Maybe I'm not the person I think I am to other people.
I'd love damages for the creation of severe self-doubt. That'd be nice too.
Ok, time to take a walk, get a few hours of sleep, buy a couple pumpkins, crave them, get some candy for the kiddies, hit maybe Plymouth, Bridgewater, and going out with Lacey. Pieces |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 17th, 2008|12:54 pm] |
The attic is empty!
the basement is mostly empty
* 15 rubbermaid 18 gallon containers holding everything from yarn to Christmas junk
and yes, that's 1-5 as in 270 gallons of shit
* Two cedar closets that have mostly fake fur coats and about 10 trash bags full of stuff. haven't opened them to look yet
* maybe 10 other boxes of things that have been filled
* An organ
* A sleeper sofa
* 3 book cases of books
(And yes, that is mostly empty)
the 2nd floor
*two twin beds
*one double mattress
*2 bedroom sets
*a couple of chairs
* 4 tables
* 3 rubbermaid 36 gallon totes
* 2 lamps
(This is not including my room, furniture, clothes etc.)
First floor
*an entire room filled wall to wall and up with stuff
* a dining room set
* a china cabinet
* too many boxes, totes, bags to count
( There is stuff in my kitchen, dining room, living room, and hallway) At least my office is clean of stuff that isn't ours.
Garage
*boxes, totes, bags
* rusty tools
* A christmas tree
*lawn mower
*assorted junk
Lawn
* I think the count is 10 items of plastic furniture and more to come
* A baby carriage and playpen. (Looked in good condition for Lindsy)
I would really really like to rent a dumpster and chuck everything. I need to declutter my life before I lose my mind. Thank you that is all.
-Update since this did not post for some reason. I had a yard sale last weekend. Made about $350, but it appeared not to make a dent. I'm hoping to sell everything that is not in a box during this yard sale. That way when I have an open house two Sundays from now, it will at least be neat. Boxed.
The movers did not come, because the price was too high.
V is handling most of the yard work
The painter should be here, oh some time in October. He'll call me a couple days before he shows. Whoo.
I'm not sure how I'm going to have an open house with all this stuff but we'll see. I've decided to donate all the shoes and probably most of the books. I would have liked to make money but I'm not sure if I have time. My life is really cluttered still.
I took a few pictures. This is after most of the organizing was done thou, so it doesn't even begin to really show you my house as of last week.
I'm not speaking to two of the people I considered my best friends. The other two are too busy. And V and I are now fighting, at least at this moment.
Ain't life grand. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 20th, 2008|01:08 pm] |
| [ | Moody Bitch |
| |  quixotic | ] |
I need to have a yard sale in Quincy soon because there's far too much knickknacky shit in that house. I'm thinking about it in 3 weeks or 5 not sure which. Prolly either the 10th or 25th. Senior Ball is this weekend and then nothing and then V should be in town for that weekend and then the next weekend we graduate. I have five weeks to get that house livable which is going to be a challenge when I'm trying to work every available shift. Like this weekend I'm working friday day shift then senior ball Saturday and then night shift Sunday and NQHS Monday morning and night shift again that night.
Time to go to walmart and buy some clothing dye and rubbermaid tupperware things to pack up the house with. Pieces |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 5th, 2008|03:35 pm] |
| [ | Where the fuck am I |
| | The Tree | ] |
| [ | Moody Bitch |
| |  predatory | ] |
SO...22. weird.
i have something to say but have decided that it might be better to wait and think about it more first. I guess in some ways its not my place. Not that that's stopped my before.Especially when I think I'm the only person who will say it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 15th, 2008|02:20 am] |
| [ | Where the fuck am I |
| | the tree | ] |
| [ | Moody Bitch |
| |  ecstatic | ] |
I have so many options scattered and stretched before me. its terrifying and wonderful, overwhelming and exciting.
Lately its been this mix of the juvenile and the adult and its hard to find a place to stand.
I've been angry, sad, surprised, worried, lonely, loved, and confused.
I've been affronted and acknowledged by my family within minutes
Graduate, fail,Get a job, don't worry about finding one, get health insurance, wait, go back to school, move out, stay, try Vermont, "homo", Substitute, work in the mental health field, grad school, undergrad, buy a house, payment plans, NP, clinical psych, 6 years, 3 years weddings, break-ups.
Christ.
i can't even imagine what's around the next corner.
Gonna have my darling back only to loss her in another couple of weeks. but that's alright because right now it's only 20 and a half hours till I have her again.
...i should go sleep because then she'll be here sooner. or something. right
Even he would martyr his mama to ride to hell between those thighs
the pressure is building on the base of my spine
if I've gotta sin to see her again
then i'm gonna lie lie lie
-pusifer
The glass between us is cool to the touch
coiling, striking distance
the cracks are lengthen, intersecting |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 13th, 2008|12:47 pm] |
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I dreamed of little red, green, and yellow buttons. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 31st, 2007|03:40 pm] |
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...i hate it when it fucking deletes my entry... |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 18th, 2007|02:17 am] |
I should be writing journals or studying/doing problem sets for Stats but meh.
If anyone had asked me what I thought the semester would bring I would never have guessed.
Death
Engagement
Marriage
Cheating
Exhilaration
Car crashes/issues
Stress
Moving
Graduation
Buying a home
Disappointment
Break-ups
Debt
Ok, everyone, charlie can't take anymore big changes for a while so please, let's just go with the status quo for a while m'kay? |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 22nd, 2007|08:40 pm] |
Ok so I finally dropped the two classes I needed to, dropped off the forms for graduation, and finished the training (I think) for the DV group.
Now I have to:
Study for the stat midterm
Do homework for AST, stress management, and women's studies
Sign up for the GREs
Drop the practice exam for the MCATs
Fill out a stress journal for 7 weeks
Fill out every form in the book chap. 1-7
Study some more
Email Steven about the DV with app and references
Sign up for time to volunteer
Go to Active Minds/ do stuff for it
Graduate
Find a job in Boston
Find a volunteer activity in Boston
Look into research opportunities in Boston
Find an apartment
Buy a car
Save money
Research grad schools
Meet with Tom for tutoring for stats
Ask professors for recommendations.
Study for the GREs
I'm sure there's more but I can't think of anything right now.
Off to study |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 18th, 2007|10:45 pm] |
| [ | Moody Bitch |
| |  indescribable | ] |
"My heart is asleep and dreams, far from the mind's glass eye. My sex feeds on its casualties. So be it. You have taught me, baby, that someone must always suffer the pleasure of another. I combust while the other writhes in pain. I am guilty, alive, and guiltless. Look into my eyes when I fuck you, and I'll tear out your soul."
-Venus Rising, Sara Elevia |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 21st, 2007|10:29 am] |
I feel like all my posts are angry posts. heh
Logic sans math = boo.
All the freshmen on my floor got themselves tanked Friday and ran around screaming for hours, hiding in shower stalls to avoid our HR, and finally getting so drunk that they called 911 so some girl could go the the hospital. I live on the quiet street,in like the most quiet house, so its fucking annoying. And like a parallel universe. They threw out 3 good sized bottles of vodka for somewhere between 5 and 8 people, so you'd like to think it was just the booze, but no, you'd be wrong, they love to play tag in the hallway at 3am, on weekdays, when you'd think they'd be at least mostly sober.
It was at least interesting to watch all the commotion by the fire truck, ambulance, and two cop cars with two guys each cruiser.
Apparently a 16-yr-old brother of someone drunk off his ass is ok but smoking within 20 feet of a building isn't? It's bloody freezing, sometimes snowing or raining, and there's really no other place to go. But fuck you all, if I have to go outside, my frozen ass isn't leaving the porch.
I'm not too sure why i'm itching to get out for a while but I am. yay Boston.
I can't wait to not eat, sleep, work, and relax in the same 13X13 room. And having like a couch and kitchen and table instead of everything being done on the bed.
My floor mostly sucks, can't wait to get to life after Smith. Well actually life after the five months at least that I have to live with my 'rents again. Damn. Well so like May 2008 is worth looking forward to.
Working the carnival was mildly amusing, mostly it was awesome people who kept coming back, wicked frustrated because they couldn't win, but making it interesting for me. But still, damn Senate roping me into shit.
Proof by induction anyone? |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 4th, 2007|06:59 pm] |
YOU ARE A FUCKIN' BITCH.
WHY WON'T YOU JUST
CHOKE ON IT & DIE
FOR FUCK'S SAKE |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 18th, 2006|08:09 am] |
Why is that when things are due, I find it so terribly easy to write in this thing?
Almost done with this nasty semester.
Just the large research paper, 1 take home, and 2 finals. It can definately be done. I didn't think so at first, but that was when I had so many other things to do too.
Hopefully it'll go like this:
Finish paper tonight and tomorro, proof-read, send to him, get feedback, edit, send again- due tuesday at midnight
then study for chem tuesday night, sleep, take exam at 2:00pm, work on financial accounting exam, meet with him, fix meet again, fix meet again, sleep, fix finally, send by thursday
then study, sleep, and take econ exam friday at 2:00pm.
then pack, clean, and leave. travel bus or otherwise. home saturday hopefully earlyish.
Right. life will be easier once this paper is off my shoulders.
all im saying is it better be worth the aggrevation. |
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| pictures |
[Nov. 19th, 2006|04:14 am] |
We should take pictures
"the old braintree cemetary where you picked up that bird walking home the last day of school sophmore year
your uncles stores parking lot.. ha..
nantasket over by the rocks where we jumped off you swam in your clothes i swam in my bra and jeans when my shoulder was all gashed open and fractured and the lifguard kicked us all out
kids landing by the bleachers where you made kreitman freak out that you were gonna go down on her in the bushes and i peed down the hill and over where that bridge there is (i think they tore it down tho maybe, which also works; that whole preserving a destructive past and memories thing..oooo...) where i spit the smirnoff back in the bottle and the tires where kreitman pretended she was finding out for the first time that i lost my virginity
the wall in your living room... need i say more.
our eyeballs cuz we recorded over that videotape i think (stupid english projects)
the "this may be braintree but shit happens" track with the crazy noose under the brige and that tower thing i climbed up on the way while we were walking trippin
the rotting railroad ties bridge where we found the bicycle and the "gravestone" where i stood one foot in the water skipping school to defile kreitmans house
over near the high school where we found those poster sign things and ran from officer toomey for a half an hour
outside of lazer zone
pond meadow
the way to dunkies 5 corners from school where we walked like 70% of the mornings freshman and sophmore year skipping school and where we were walkign when we skipped and had just had the whole confrontation thing the day before w zoe about vincent and will and everything
the T where we tried to make a documentary and i almost got raped
dunkies TIKI..just because we live there
Mickeys
harvard square
the smallest supension bridge in the world at the frog pond where zoes camera wouldnt take pictures of me
dunkies braintree square for summer coffee talk"=kel
every crazy place where you've lived cuz we were all always there,
hot topic, Henesseys, the mall tunnels which always made us feel like we had to pee the second we got all the way down there,
that place we eat breakfast sometimes now and Uncle Charlies heh,
kreitmans chair in her room cuz i think i sat more in that chair than any other ever,
your porch even though you don't live on 'george?'anymore,
marylou's for all the coffee before either of us could drive and caught the bus,
the bus stops (green house and the fence on the corner)
Wally beach for all the conversations sitting on the wall,
I wish we had all the old cars to take pics of cuz we lived in those too,
Olindy's for when we met Mia(?) and flung candy with plastic spoons all over the parking lot, Walgreens cuz its like a graviational pull,
the stairs at the end of zoe/britts street because we fell through the piled snow there and got stuck,
the beach at the end of mikey's street,
the heaters and parking lot at BHS for all the afternoons we spent smoking there and sneaking out to the cars to smoke a butt during school,
that mexican place in porter cuz you said 'look a distraction' and no one looked but when i said 'look a unicorn' two seconds later you looked and britt hit her head on a street sign and i think we were with gabe,
That shakespeare sign you had becuz we spent like five hours trying to tape it right,
Mice,rats,ferrets
Your basement -but i doubt the new owners would let us in.
I'm sure theres more.
Other suggestions? |
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| 2:13:11 AM |
[Nov. 16th, 2006|02:14 am] |
| [ | Moody Bitch |
| |  drained | ] |
| [ | Driving music |
| | Anna Nalick | ] |
This semester was pretty much a disaster. So I didn't crack my spine, or dislocate my hip. The new theory is that I pulled the ligaments that connect my spine to my pelvis bone...so another fucking x-ray and a long needle injection. and then a bloody brace ...if this is really what’s fucked up in my hip. Right, so long as I can stand for more than 25 minutes without searing pain down my leg and back cool.
I skipped more classes than I went to this year.
Assuming that I pass all my classes, I have 91 out of 128 credits.
37 credits = just over 9 classes left for 2 sem. But a thesis takes up 2 classes my last sem.
So Psych officially DONE fuck yea.
Stats = 2 more classes
Honors? Should I? Evil thesis.
Where should I intern? Hopefully clinical.
Oh and Clinical seminar or Intermediate poetry writing?
So graduating early...I'm thinking yea. That's so fucked up. I can be OUT of undergrad as early as about this time next year. wow. And then I can get a job and finally have just a little financial independence or at least the ability to pay for shit if they ever make good on their threat to cut me off. But then I have to actually decide -med school, PsyD, PhD, masters, social work. And then pick a place to go after that. In some part of the country. For some length of time for some amount of money. So many choices, and its not just my life now- fucking crazy.
And this from the person who can't pick what lighter to use when she has more than one readily available. I'm fucked.
I can't wait to move into my first place, and eat take out chinese on the living room rug with boxes everywhere and no furniture.
"So you're taking these pills for to fill up your soul and you're drinking them down with cheap alcohol
And I'd be inclined to be yours for the taking and part of this terrible mess that you're making, but me, I'm the catalyst.
When you say love, is a simple chemical reaction, can't say I agree, cuz my chemical left me a beautiful disaster, still love's all I see.
So I’m taking these pills for to fill up my soul and I'm drinking them down with cheap alcohol
And you’d be inclined to be mine for the taking and part of this terrible mess that I’m making, but you, you're the catalyst." |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 25th, 2006|04:48 pm] |
| [ | Driving music |
| | the ya-ya-yas | ] |
| You Are A Cypress Tree | 
You are strong, adaptable, and striving to be content.
You're good at taking what life has to give - even if you don't like it.
A passionate lover who can't be satisfied, you are quick tempered at times.
You hate loneliness, want love and affection, and need to be needed.
A bit of a live wire, you love to gain knowledge any cost... and you can be careless at times. |
Cuz it's been forever since i did a completely pointless blog picture quiz thing.
Finally got my schedule set.
Microeconomics
Stats for research
Sem in clinical research
Chemistry (i was jones-ing)
Accounting
all that work for 21 credits. But that's not too bad. Assuming I pass this sem, I can take an accelerated load next sem. and then for the first time, take only the original 16 i'm supposed to take. really. ive taken either 3,5, or 6 classes since starting here. Never four.
Now all i have to do is finally declare my major, minor, and choose a new advisor not too bad right?
Hm, then i have to attend sem or meetings on resumes, rubbing shoulders, a praxis internship, and fellowships since grad school and med school are apparently expensive. Or so i'm told.
V's doing rugby and a few hours of work a week
I'm trying to be a house senator and work in the SGA
Having Mario in your room is a very very very appealing distration.
Right now i should be reading and doing a take home quiz and doing hw for stats that i was supposed to turn in this mornin. eh. what can you do?
Might be in the tree in 3 or so weeks. dunno. depends how it goes. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 14th, 2006|06:22 am] |
I havent disappeared. I've only been gone for a week today.
"Expecting life to treat you well because you are a good person is like expecting an angry bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian."-- Shari R. Barr.
"It actually does say 'Adam and Steve'. That's what you get for reading the translation"-God
"War is God's way of teaching Americans about geography."-- Ambrose Bierce.
"I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours."-- Sir Stephen Henry Roberts
"Don't speak unless you can improve upon the silence."
So. one week into the semester and i'm already procrastinating. Amazingly enough.
Was actually gonna come home this weekend cuz V had a weekend Rugby game/tourniment but since she has a stupid person in charge of registering the team they got disqualified. So i guess i'll stay and try to catch up of reading that i'm already seriously behind in.
Monday is the free for college students day at the MOS and I think the duck tours might be free too which is why i wanna go back but i've got class and i really shouldn't miss anymore. (a week, back only a week) i have junioritis. meh. I gotta go finish up a ACC thing. oh and i'm now in the student government. Right.. that was a good idea. anyway. yeah. i should go do some shit. |
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trivialsuicide's journal
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